Cooper

Cooper... words cannot express how much I miss you. Your gentle (and sometimes not-so-gentle) nudges when you wanted love and attention, the way you would "grab" our arm or leg with your paw to signal to us you were the most important thing we should be paying attention to, and the soft little "woofs" when you needed something. I can't stop seeing you and hearing you in the house. I hear a doorbell on TV and I'm expecting to hear your warning bark that let us know you were on guard. I come home and still expect you to be waiting by the door or sitting on the couch for our first cuddles of the evening. I even sometimes check under the dark blanked on the couch to check if you're somehow miraculously there - even thought my logical mind knows that's impossible. But my heart wants my brain to be wrong. I don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without you in it... the sheer permanence of your passing is sometimes just completely overwhelming. A part of my brain plays tricks on me into thinking that this is somehow just temporary - that we'll somehow be together again to go on more walks or for you to fall asleep next to me again one day or for me to be able to give you kisses and smell your fur behind your ears. But I know that only in heaven, if such a thing for humans and pets exists, will that ever happen again. I hope wherever you are that you know that I love(d) you so very much and life without you is a little (a lot) less bright and with a little (a lot) less joy. Maybe that will change some day as I get used to the fact that you are gone and that you're not coming back - but until then nothing will feel the same. I hope you had a wonderful life and felt our love and how much you were truly a part of our little pack (family). I wish we could have given you a larger back yard to run around in - but we also went on so many weekday walks and long adventures together on the weekends (every single Saturday and Sunday). We must have easily logged over 3000 miles together over the 9 wonderful years you were in our lives. If I could have taken your cancer myself just so you could be healthy and happy and by my side right now, I would do it in a heartbeat. You must have been so brave not to show any sickness or pain to us - even though your bone cancer is one of the most painful forms of cancer. You seemed so healthy until one day you just weren't, in a major way. Hearing your diagnosis after the MRI was such a shock... and the sudden realization of how little time we had left together (days to weeks)... well, let's just say the sadness and grief are something I still don't know how to recover from. I still say goodnight to you and that I love you before I sleep. I don't know if you can hear me wherever you are but I hope my love transcends any human/earthly wavelengths to whatever heart/spirit of you lives on. I love you Cooper. ❤️ You will always be my pup, my best friend, and my forever companion.